Ride Me Sideways

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we’d have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it’s very exciting isn’t it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You’ve never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I’m a bit of a fan. That’s where I was the other day – at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I’m very surprised to hear that, father. I didn’t think you’d like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn’t finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It’s a bit gritty, but that’s the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it’s a bit much for me, father. “Feck” this and “feck” that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: “You big bastard”. Oh, dreadful language! “You big hairy arse”, “You big fecker”. Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than “feck” – you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: “Eff you”. “Eff your ‘effin’ wife”. Oh, I don’t know why they have to use language like that. “I’ll stick this ‘effin’ pitchfork up your hole”, oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: “Bastard” this and “bastard” that, you can’t move for the bastards in her novels! It’s wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway…
Mrs Doyle: “You bastard!” You fecker!” “You bollocks!” “Get your bollocks out of my face!” It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] “Ride me sideways” was another one!

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